I had alot to say a moment ago. Most of it sad. But reading Julia's blog always changes my mind somehow. She was talking about reading this Nick Hornby book. There's a man who goes to a spiritual healer to have his back fixed and then tells his wife he never loved her enough. This spiritual healer has changed him. He's been blind with anger and can now see. I'm sure it's much more hopeful in the book, but it scared me.
Tyler and I had an argument tonight. It was a bad one. It was the same one. We never used to argue like this. So now I'm scared.
I know how I feel. But I can't keep reassuring someone that they want to be with me. I'm not sure if it's a surprise, but I'm not the most confident person in the world. After a while, I start to doubt too. I don't want to be scared that in the end, he just didn't love me enough.
I guess I never realized how difficult it is to find someone with which you are on the same page.
I don't know. I think I'm pretty great. I try. I love. I make tiles of his dog's pawprint before he's put to sleep. I surprise him while he's asleep and make him lunch. I kiss his forehead while he sleeps. I work until midnight with a 9:40a class the next day and ask to drive out 20 minutes to his place to talk through this argument and I get "I'll let you know if I'm home." I know this is wrong. I know I shouldn't count the nice things I do because I don't do them to hold the list in front of him and tell him I'm better. I do them because I love this person with everything inside of me. I am better because of him. My soul is healthier because of him, which re-reading that just sounds utterly corny. But hey, I am what I am.
I still see that beautiful future. I'm still incredibly hopeful. I just want effort. Right now, I'm just sad.
somehow i never saw this post until now. i know who you are, abby, and i don't know this guy. so i am already biased. but besides that, i know from a lot of life and having no boundaries, that you cannot, and should not, make someone stay with you. and if things were going the way they should, you would not even remember all the things you have done for him to make a list like that. it would be an organic, every day give and take between the both of you. he would be doing just as much as you are. maybe you are over this and totally fine now. but this is still true. i just want the best person for you. you are worth everything.
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