Taking a break

I started my summer blog. If you read here, I'll be posting here instead:


The First Sunburn of the Season


holla.

I've fallen in love

And her name is Hannah Loren.
My heart is hers, and I haven't even met her yet.



















My baby Lo. The most beautiful baby ever.

Without you, today's emotions would be the scurf of yesterday's.

I just finished watching Amelie. It's so lovely and simple and perfect without trying at all. It makes every feeling flow from my tiny little heart and swirl and twirl into mid-air. Full of color and warmth. It makes everything feel significant. And I have hope again.

Sometimes I wonder if hope is the greatest idea we possess. I remember hearing a story about a professor putting a mouse in a barrel of water in front of his class, watching it struggles for several minutes, then watching it drown. As the class watched in horror, he put another mouse in the barrel. Just before the mouse went under, he lifted it out for a few moments, then put it back in. The mouse fought and struggled for several seconds, then minutes, then hours. The mouse fought until late that night. Hope is pretty powerful.

I sometimes wonder if there are other people like me. Any kind of idea or emotion, I associate it with a color and a literal feeling. Hope is soft around the edges, no solid shape or frame. It's full of warm tones, more pinks, burnt oranges and reds than yellows. It's soft, like a blanket worn from years of use, but never tears through. This could all sound insane, but that movie... it always strikes a chord in me. It reminds me of this burning love I have for beauty, for life, for breath. Open windows and dust only seen in the afternoon sun.

I received a package the other day. It was a "random" package sent by a kindred spirit of sorts. It came at the perfect time. I want to send packages to everyone I know now. Even my roommates. I don't care. Everyone needs to know there is love and beauty in everything. If no one else reminds them, I want to do that. I'm sorry if I'm sounding spacey, it was just a really good time for that movie.

God I love beauty. I think it runs through my veins instead of blood.

It's not just art. Or rather, it's not what so many perceive to be this allusive concept of art. Everything is art. Every ounce of every moment. Beauty is in the moment. This short film inspired me. I love you.

rough

I had alot to say a moment ago. Most of it sad. But reading Julia's blog always changes my mind somehow. She was talking about reading this Nick Hornby book. There's a man who goes to a spiritual healer to have his back fixed and then tells his wife he never loved her enough. This spiritual healer has changed him. He's been blind with anger and can now see. I'm sure it's much more hopeful in the book, but it scared me.
Tyler and I had an argument tonight. It was a bad one. It was the same one. We never used to argue like this. So now I'm scared.
I know how I feel. But I can't keep reassuring someone that they want to be with me. I'm not sure if it's a surprise, but I'm not the most confident person in the world. After a while, I start to doubt too. I don't want to be scared that in the end, he just didn't love me enough.

I guess I never realized how difficult it is to find someone with which you are on the same page.

I don't know. I think I'm pretty great. I try. I love. I make tiles of his dog's pawprint before he's put to sleep. I surprise him while he's asleep and make him lunch. I kiss his forehead while he sleeps. I work until midnight with a 9:40a class the next day and ask to drive out 20 minutes to his place to talk through this argument and I get "I'll let you know if I'm home." I know this is wrong. I know I shouldn't count the nice things I do because I don't do them to hold the list in front of him and tell him I'm better. I do them because I love this person with everything inside of me. I am better because of him. My soul is healthier because of him, which re-reading that just sounds utterly corny. But hey, I am what I am.
I still see that beautiful future. I'm still incredibly hopeful. I just want effort. Right now, I'm just sad.