Without you, today's emotions would be the scurf of yesterday's.

I just finished watching Amelie. It's so lovely and simple and perfect without trying at all. It makes every feeling flow from my tiny little heart and swirl and twirl into mid-air. Full of color and warmth. It makes everything feel significant. And I have hope again.

Sometimes I wonder if hope is the greatest idea we possess. I remember hearing a story about a professor putting a mouse in a barrel of water in front of his class, watching it struggles for several minutes, then watching it drown. As the class watched in horror, he put another mouse in the barrel. Just before the mouse went under, he lifted it out for a few moments, then put it back in. The mouse fought and struggled for several seconds, then minutes, then hours. The mouse fought until late that night. Hope is pretty powerful.

I sometimes wonder if there are other people like me. Any kind of idea or emotion, I associate it with a color and a literal feeling. Hope is soft around the edges, no solid shape or frame. It's full of warm tones, more pinks, burnt oranges and reds than yellows. It's soft, like a blanket worn from years of use, but never tears through. This could all sound insane, but that movie... it always strikes a chord in me. It reminds me of this burning love I have for beauty, for life, for breath. Open windows and dust only seen in the afternoon sun.

I received a package the other day. It was a "random" package sent by a kindred spirit of sorts. It came at the perfect time. I want to send packages to everyone I know now. Even my roommates. I don't care. Everyone needs to know there is love and beauty in everything. If no one else reminds them, I want to do that. I'm sorry if I'm sounding spacey, it was just a really good time for that movie.

God I love beauty. I think it runs through my veins instead of blood.

It's not just art. Or rather, it's not what so many perceive to be this allusive concept of art. Everything is art. Every ounce of every moment. Beauty is in the moment. This short film inspired me. I love you.

rough

I had alot to say a moment ago. Most of it sad. But reading Julia's blog always changes my mind somehow. She was talking about reading this Nick Hornby book. There's a man who goes to a spiritual healer to have his back fixed and then tells his wife he never loved her enough. This spiritual healer has changed him. He's been blind with anger and can now see. I'm sure it's much more hopeful in the book, but it scared me.
Tyler and I had an argument tonight. It was a bad one. It was the same one. We never used to argue like this. So now I'm scared.
I know how I feel. But I can't keep reassuring someone that they want to be with me. I'm not sure if it's a surprise, but I'm not the most confident person in the world. After a while, I start to doubt too. I don't want to be scared that in the end, he just didn't love me enough.

I guess I never realized how difficult it is to find someone with which you are on the same page.

I don't know. I think I'm pretty great. I try. I love. I make tiles of his dog's pawprint before he's put to sleep. I surprise him while he's asleep and make him lunch. I kiss his forehead while he sleeps. I work until midnight with a 9:40a class the next day and ask to drive out 20 minutes to his place to talk through this argument and I get "I'll let you know if I'm home." I know this is wrong. I know I shouldn't count the nice things I do because I don't do them to hold the list in front of him and tell him I'm better. I do them because I love this person with everything inside of me. I am better because of him. My soul is healthier because of him, which re-reading that just sounds utterly corny. But hey, I am what I am.
I still see that beautiful future. I'm still incredibly hopeful. I just want effort. Right now, I'm just sad.

The Spotted Fox

So, one of my absolute favorite blogs is The Spotted Fox. They have some of the coolest etsy finds, awesome art and crafts, and they are teaching me slowly but surely easy recipes to ween me off of microwave dinners. Definitely go check them out here. You will not be disappointed. In fact, you will find a new favorite blog. You're welcome.

Art Show shmart shmow.

In exactly one week I will be hanging my photos in Java Cabana for my art show. I need to print 8 photos, window mount 10 photos and frame 10 photos. I'm a tad behind, and I'm officially entering freakout mode. I've decided I should not do shows during the school year. I just can't handle this pressure. At this point I have frames all over my room along with mat board and even my old portfolio for some reason.






















I wonder if I'll be sleeping here tonight...

So, if you're free on Friday, November 5th from 7p-9p, you are invited to my show! Here's the poster:






















Josh Breeden did a beautiful job. If you need any posters done, check out his website, St Francis Elevator Ride. He's insanely talented.

Ok, I wish I had some really clever wit to share, but my brain is currently being crushed with anxiety. Wish me luck. Oh! But I did find this little gem...


















It's the little things in life. Goodnight love.

King of Carrot Flowers

Tomorrow is the Friday of death. I work at 7:30a (which I don't think God gets up that early honestly) until 1p and then there is a private party of 70 (holy shit fuck 70 people) at Seize the Clay so I'll be there from 4p to... a million o'clock. Let's see how I handle that.

Saturday I'm going to two weddings and I bought a new dress and I feel like Lisa Loeb in it which makes me want to be her slightly.


































What a good 90's celebrity. She's so adorable. She always made me feel more attractive for having glasses.

Anyways, I'm so glad it's finally feeling like autumn outside. My personality is definitely leaning towards Spring but right now, my soul sits well with Fall. I needed the change. I think we all did. Change is good. Change is good. Just keep saying that to yourself. I have an art show in November. November 5th. Remember remember the 5th of November. Yeah, I know. I'm really nervous but really excited. I've never had an art show and I'm nervous to put myself out there. Yes I know I have to do it. If I don't put myself out there, completely bare and raw in front of everyone I'm pretty sure I'll explode. I wonder if all people are supposed to put themselves out there for the world to see and possibly not accept. I'm not one for keeping secrets. If I'm happy, I say it. If I like you, I tell you. I am a terrible liar. So all I can do in my existence is be exactly who I am all the time. However, I am petrified of not being accepted. Enter anxiety disorder. Ah well, I try to let the daily happys sink in over the bad. Here's a few, I hope they make you smile on the inside.


















Courtsey of monkey ink design


















































Courtesy of The Spotted Fox


And I've really been into this girl on youtube named "Veronnie." Her sound is very raw and refreshing and this is one of my favorites of hers. Now that I've shown you some of my happy little images, show me some of yours. Leave me a comment telling me some of your daily happys.
Goodnight lovers.

Dream Weaver, I believe you can get me through the night.

Something I have realized every year is around the same time (mid-October) my mother will call me and ask me if I have made a Christmas list. Every year I say no, and she will proceed to tell me she needs to "check it twice" and so on. Cute and annoying all at the same time. So, I think to remind myself to make this Christmas list I never remember to make I'll keep up with a sort of wish list on here. So, here are some things I can remember at the time being:


























It's a mp3 player/cassette. You can play it in cassette players and upload music from your computer. It's amazing and I want it so hard.
























A super adorable gym bag I found on Etsy by MonkeyFootDesigns.



















Modern Family Season 1 on dvd. Every episode is better than the next.














A GPS for my beautiful car. TomTom sounds cool.


















A new ukulele. I love my pineapple uke but it's time for an upgrade.



















The complete Daria series. I've wanted this for a long time.


















Some really bad ass running shoes, like these Puma Complete Vectanas. I've started training for a 5K and all I can think about is new running shoes.























I want this amazing vintage Backpacking Hiking Bunny Calendar by YeehawIndustries. I love calendars and I always have great intentions of being organized with calendars, date books, and the like. This calendar might actually do it for me.




















This beautiful 12x15 print called Aflutter by ThePaperApartment. I need more art in my bedroom, hallway, home, life. This is gorgeous and needs to be around me so I may admire it properly.
























Another incredible print named Bang Bang by Vantiani. I just need more art. Hopefully Christmas will be the time I get it!



















I am needing a new phone (my phone works fine, but has been dropped numerous times in the last two years and isn't quite as pretty as it once was) and Cricket now has an Android phone! Must. Have.
























I have been seriously considering becoming "my own hero" and joining the Memphis Roller Derby. I want to start training with these amazing white and purple roller skates! I was looking for some with Barbie, but I think the cut off age of those is 7.























My Photo I teacher, Annette Fournet, is an incredible photographer and she is the woman that introduced me to the amazing Holga camera. This plastic toy camera takes dreamy photos that I cannot help but fall in love with. I found this Holga 135 Twin Lens Reflex Camera. I need it. Badly.


And that's it for now! I hope you are all making your fun Christmas lists too! Even if I don't get anything from my list, it's still fun to find things that make me smile.